Don't Apologize... say you're sorry!!!

Every generation has their faults, and to be sure, so will ours. I think one of the great tragedies however is when we mistake the previous generations vice's as virtue, and then add it to our own, for the NEXT generation to iron out. A certain amount of this is inevitable, but If it can be minimized, THAT is the responsible thing to do.

At least within my experience our parents generation had a toxic allergic reaction to admitting when they were wrong. It was viewed as a sign of weakness that would be preyed upon by those in their care unless they denied responsibility, and marked everyone identifying faults as a rebel.

The fact of the matter is, that if the relationship has been nurtured from the start to be honest and interactive (there's strikes 1 and 2), then admitting faults and making amends should be a relatively easy and natural outgrowth of the character building process with our children. My parents actually saw apologies as "losing authority". Dispite the fact that I assured them of quite the opposite, but hey, I was a rebelious teenager whether I was, or not.

In case there's any question, I'm 40-ish now, and have adopted a very different method of parenting with my children. No, I haven't reverted to the "hippie" model where my kids call me by my first name, and we're all "equals". No, no, Mom and Dad are still quite in charge, but we view our first job as building character, first by example, and then by active teaching, as the saying goes, "Character isn't taught, it's caught".

If a young person sees that even Mom and Dad, doesn't get away with disrespecting the rules, or claiming special grown up status (obvious and sensible exceptions apply) any time it's not convenient, then the message is sent (and received amazingly!!!). You see, kids today aren't all that different from us. They chaff under unfair, overstrict rules, and notice how adults don't seem to have those problems. Sure we have other, more serious, problems that chaff and distress us, but they are so distant to a kids experience that they simply can't identify, and relate to what they can..."freedom"... Unfortunately, however, what WE have attached under the heading of "freedom" by our refusal to apologize for our offenses, is "My house, my rules" ... "I'm your father. If I'm right I'm right, and if I'm wrong I'm STILL right" ... "Do as I say, not as I do."

Then the child moves out, maybe enters college, and "FREEDOM" except, uh-oh... one of two problems follow...

1.) Like an released convict coming to terms with new freedoms...the child doesn't understand the bounderies that should have been part of the education Dad, and Mom provided, and they go too far, try to much, and hurt themselves, or someone else. Tragic.

2.) Or they realize they aren't equipped, and either find a mentor, or more tragically, don't. The lack of vision, and guidance, stunt his/her potential, and by the time he/she is mature enough to understand what they should have done...it's too late. The youthful energy depleted in the "child" of failed parenting, and they tries to pass on their wisdom, to a new generation, who never quite understands.

Alot of this can be avoided though, If we simply identify our short comings specifically (general "apologies" like "IF I did anything to offend..." are cop-outs for sissy's and might as well not be said at all) , and make an honest attempt to make amends. Here are some guidlines...

1) Develop a relationship with your child where you're not simply going through the motions of parenting, but actively involve yourself in what concerns them. "Rules without relationship, create rebellion."

2) Set up rules in the house, (you might even want to post them) so that they don't appear arbitrary or punishment comes from directions not expected. Nothing will develope rebellion faster than seemingly capricious discipline.

3.) Listen to your child. You may find out that the offense was not what you thought it was, and that only minor tweaking, or balancing of character issues need occur.

(If lying has been a problem in the past, learn to identify this (do not tell the child how you do it!!!) And give them an oppurtunity to come clean without penalty, and stress the need for honesty. If they refuse then enact whatever sanctions you deem appropriate DISPASSIONATELY)

4.) Punish DISPASSIONATELY, but NOT distantly... I see two problems with how generally effectual discipline methods are undermined.

First, when ANGRY parents lose their temper and fly about in a rage. This teaches a child, that when they get big they get to X,Y,Z. Even if the discipline is performed proportionately to the crime (which is doubtful in such a state), it teaches the child the "adult exception to self-control". You definitely don't want that.

The other pitfall is Parents who punish "distantly" or devoid of emotional connection. These parents turn themselves into a discipline machine that simply winds the offending child in grinds them to bits, and spits them out the other side to sort out their feelings about he whole thing. What a tragic waste of pain!!! A parent ought to be compassionate enough to cry with the child (whether they actually do or not), and THIS affirms a relationship, and gives the child the assurance that "WE" can find a way not to go through THIS again, and therein the child is not isolated, in their pain. (I would like to stress that ANYTIME a child finds themselves estranged from parental love...is an oppurtunity for someone else to step in, and then you're fighting a stranger in your own home!!!)

5.) Don't apologize, say you're sorry. Usually apologizing is NOT truly taking responsibility for our specific faults it's a way to painlessly appear repentant, and compassionate...In other words It's a lie.

Identify your specific faults to the child, tell them "Daddy was wrong." Say you're sorry (actually be sorry, no fakery), and ask for forgiveness.

Asking forgiveness is crucial, because it shows YOUR acknowlegment, and sympathy of their pain, in a real way. It requires them to transcend their emotions re: the conflict, as YOU have, and it enacts a real healing, which is so, foundational to the trust this process needs to run on.

6.) If this hasn't been your practice to date (and your child is older), you may find your child manipulating the process. Your posted rules in guideline 2 should be principle based primarily...and when manipulated you treat this as a lie (because it is a lie) in guideline 3.

7.) Don't get sucked into debates, or arguments. You needn't prove the child a liar/manipulator to THEIR satisfaction (they know what they did!!!). Debates and arguments are often the way parents lose respect/authority...talk/communicate, do NOT debate.

In fact that'd probably be a good first principle based rule to get you started "repect authority"

God Bless, and Happy Parenting.

Knightly Sir James